


I light a candle for every love I've lost

by OliveBranch_10



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Murphamy - Freeform, Unrequited Love, idk how to tag, sad feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3817159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveBranch_10/pseuds/OliveBranch_10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You just want them to be happy and you sacrifice your own happiness. Because they deserve each other completely and you only a little. It's enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I light a candle for every love I've lost

**Author's Note:**

> PROMPT: Watching my best friend date my secret crush is painful but I just want them both to be happy no matter how much I’m hurting AU murphamy | so this got out of hand much whoops! Sorry for the errors it’s late.  
> So a modern AU / Murven friendship / Murphamy unrequited!crush/love

You meet her when you’re in a rehabilitation center. She’s the new kid and you’re the one who isn’t liked by anyone. The two of you are a match made in heaven, Raven slaps you when you refuse to wear your hearing aids because you thought that they looked stupid and you make the jokes she needs to hear when she stumbles with her brace. 

**_You’re twelve and she’s thirteen and both of you are too fucked up to be considered healthy._ **

Raven’s mom crashed the car and lost her life. Raven only lost the nerves in her leg, but she’ll never walk the same way anymore. You understand why she hates her mom, you hate yours too. The psychologist tells you that it’s okay to be angry but you doubt she understands your anger the way Raven does. 

You whisper in her hair how much you wanted your mom to die and get your dad back but he isn’t coming back and she died hating you and isn’t the world a cruel place.

_Raven thinks so too._  

~

The cruelty isn’t over. You get send into foster care and she gets send to family friends. Close to that family lives a guy named Finn. She tells you that he loves her and she loves him too.

Raven hugs you and promises to keep in touch. To your surprise she actually does. With you moving from family to family it’s hard to do so but the two of you manage and although you don’t see each other as much as you’d like it’s okay for now. You send emails or letters and when you get stuck in juvie for a while she visits you twice. She’s seventeen and incredibly beautiful but she doesn’t make your heart beat faster like the boy from your previous foster family. You tell her that and she grins.

You’re gay and she’s not. It’s okay. 

~

 Raven has a knack for everything you don’t understand, she tries to explain it through the phone sometimes, talking about projects she’s working on but it sounds like a riddle. You only understand Shakespeare and sonnets. It’s the joke that Raven made once and you didn’t tell her but it’s the only good one she has ever made. 

Both of you call daily, because now it’s been clear to you that Raven is your family and your friend. She’s the only constant thing in your life.

~

You’re eighteen and you leave your latest foster parents. With a backpack and one suitcase you travel back to Ark. It’s where bad and good memories come from. It’s where Raven is.   
You didn’t expect her to pick you up crying. First you think that they’re tears of joy but when she starts stuttering and clinging to your shoulders you understand that they’re not. “Finn” she mutters. “That asshole.” 

You beat the shit out of him and tell him that if he bothers her again, you’ll kill him.

~

She has a scholarship to Ark University and you find a job in its cafeteria. It pays well and the both of you rent a small studio. It works and you’re happier than you’ve been in a long time. It appears that Raven didn’t forget a single thing about the sign language you had to learn at the rehabilitation center and when you wake up she gestures wildly at you.  _‘Are you coming too’_  she asks and you have no idea what she means, she must’ve seen it in your eyes because she immediately starts signing again.  _‘To Clarke’s birthday party, dumbass.’_  You nod although you don’t know her friends and you’re terrified that they won’t like you and make Raven leave you behind, like a burden from the past.

They somehow like you even if you frown too much and according to Harper growl when people get into your space, they don’t mind it even seems that your disability isn’t an issue. Some kid named Jasper shows you that he knows some sign language, it doesn’t surprise you that he only knows the rude ones. 

You’re a little drunk when you meet him. He introduces himself as Bellamy and you can feel yourself falling. He’s handsome, kind and way out of your league. You tell him to call you Murphy.

That night you dream about his eyes and you feel like crying because this is bad. He’s probably not even into guys, so you tell yourself to get over it. When Raven asks if you’re okay you simply mumble that you had a rough night. She winks at you but leaves you be, knowing better than anyone else that sometimes you need space.

~

They come to drink coffee at the cafeteria every day, Monty is convinced that one day they’ll get free coffee but Miller merely scoffs at the suggestion while wrapping his arm around Monty. You like them, Miller is a lot like you and that makes you feel at ease while Monty is so genuinely kind that you can’t hate him. Clarke scares you a bit. Her stare reminds you of one of the doctors at the rehabilitation center and it shouldn’t make you uncomfortable but it does even though she means well so you try to be nice. 

Bellamy is always the last to join the group. He comes immediately after soccer training, the only reason he made it to Ark University, and when he arrives he’s still sweaty and dirty from practice. The others tease him about it, calling him a pig and you should probably mind him dirtying the floor you have to clean but you don’t mind at all. The sweaty images show up in your dreams and you want to feel guilty about dreaming it but it’s the only option your mind has, since you refuse to think about him when you’re awake. 

 ~

 You don’t believe in much but you’re a strong believer of fate. And fate hates your guts.   
Bellamy, without any reason whatsoever, is keen on becoming your friend and while the reasonable part of you thinks it’s unwise to become his friend you give in anyway. He waves at you when he scores a goal and invites you to play call of duty at his place sometimes. He stays behind at the cafeteria a few times and asks your advice on thing. For a second you allow yourself to have hope.

It gets crushed beyond belief. 

“Do you know if Raven is seeing anyone?” The question freezes your insides. “Because I’ve been wanting to ask her out you know. Do you think I have a good shot?” You nod because you’ve seen the way she glances at him, when the two of you were drunk she rated Bellamy as a nine. The highest hot score she gave to their friends. “Go for it.”

~ 

You take your hearing aids out the second you get home and lock yourself in your room. Tonight you want to sob, want to drown in self-pity and scream in your pillow because tomorrow is another day but nothing comes and you lie in the dark wondering if you did something wrong in your past life.

**Bellamy**  (12:05) I asked her and she said yes, we’re going to that new restaurant tonight. Thanks man! 

**Murphy**  (12:17) nice! Go have fun. 

 

~ 

You call in sick for work and wallow in bed the whole day. Raven kisses your head softly when you pretend to sleep. You already wished her a good time. You’re sure she’ll have one. 

 They come home at 1 at night, you were a bit worried but didn’t want to bother her with a text. You can hear Raven giggling and soft whispering, the slamming of her door and the creaking of her bed. You take out the hearing aids and allow yourself to cry, just one more time.

 ~

They’re so happy and you don’t want to ruin it for either of them. You want them to stay happy. So you do your duty and threaten Bellamy by saying that you’ll kill him if he hurts Raven, if she hadn’t killed him by then. He laughs and it’s all so friendly and caring and you want to scream but you don’t. They deserve it, they deserve each other completely and you only deserve a little. You take what you can get; it’s enough for now.

~

After three months of having to listen to Raven about the things Bellamy does for her and how much she enjoys their dates you scold yourself for being shocked when she suddenly tells you that she loves him, she looks so happy and you feel angry. So unbelievably angry. Do you not deserve the little love left in this world? Did fate really hate you so much that it’s willing to take your best friend away from you and the boy you’ve fallen in love with? You want to hurt everyone surrounding you but instead you swallow down your anger and smile. “I think he loves you too.” 

**He does.**

~

After a year of dating, Bellamy and Raven are leaving to visit some dumb holiday paradise for three weeks and you’re supposed to move out within these weeks. It was Octavia that told you that you were holding them back, their growth and their happiness. It will be a surprise for them but you don’t think Raven will miss you much,  _it’s okay_  you whisper at night when you can’t even hear yourself,  _you are always welcome_. It feels an awful lot like saying goodbye. But at least they’re happy.

~

You dream of Bellamy, he holds you close and kisses you on your cheek and he’s smiling at you. It’s a lie and it destroys you when you wake up because he’s not lying next to you but next to your best friend.

You understand know why people call it a crush now, because your soul has been crushed by its heartbreak and you don’t know how strong you are anymore before you collapse.

You’re strong, you have to be so you manage. You’ve read somewhere that the pain eases with time but it’s not true, every time you see him it feels as if you’re falling all over again, and every time you look at Raven you feel as if you’re betraying her. No one knows and you’re okay with that. You’ve noticed in the way people look at you sometimes, they think that you’re too damaged by the past to build a future. In a way it’s true, you’re so used to living a toxic life you can’t seem to break free from it.

~

He asks you permission to marry her. You say no and immediately after you say yes. You tell him to do what makes them happy even though you think it’s too early. Raven is in her final year and so is Bellamy, it’s too early and you’re not prepared for it. You don’t think you would’ve ever been prepared for it. 

Raven calls you three days later to tell you how Bellamy proposed and your voice wavers and she’s laughing. “You big softy.” She calls you and you let her believe that these tears are happy ones.

~  
  
You walk her down the aisle, she looks beautiful but it’s Bellamy who managed to lure your attention. The suit is amazing and his eyes make your insides clench. You kiss Raven on her cheek and mumble. “I love you.” Her smile lights up the entire room and she hugs you close. “I love you too.” 

 You watch them exchange vows, you watch them kiss, you watch them smile and you force yourself to watch them the whole night.

You dance with Raven and you compliment her on the cake after she smeared it all over your cheeks. This is her day, you want her to be happy and yet the longing in your gut gets stronger every minute and when he asks you to dance with him since ‘you’re basically mother murphy to Raven anyway’ you accept. It’s a fun and hilarious dance and you burn every second of it in your memory. The way his hands hold yours and how soft his skin feels.   
You’re struggling to let him go because when you do, it will be forever. 

After the wedding you leave, you don’t know where you’re going but you’ll manage, you always have and besides

_**You just want them to be happy.** _

__


End file.
